a letter

written June 6, 2011

Dear Baby,
This morning we found out you are here! Well, you're inside me. I can't believe it. I want to shout it from the rooftops, and yet, I want to keep it our little secret and revel in the joy I share with only David.

Today I was hopeful that it was true, but as always I was cautiously optimistic. I woke up extra early this morning out of excitement (but constantly trying to temper that...), raced to take the test and jumped back in bed to wait out those five minutes (David was outside walking the dog). I didn't say anything to David when he came back in, but while he was in the shower I set the positive test at his sink- knowing that is the first place he would go after the shower. I had a perfect view of his reaction, and it was perfect. He said "you have two lines??!" we cried (well, I cried) and hugged and laughed. Then we got ready and went to work =). Not your ordinary Monday morning, yet a completely normal day.

We have wanted you for so long. Even before we "started trying" we have wanted you. We didn't have to wait nearly as long as some people do, and I am beyond thankful for that blessing. We started this process expecting, well, a process. God prepared my heart for NOT instant gratification, and I am so glad he did.

We went into this month so hopeful, but still trying to have realistic expectations. After lots of months with no success, they were going to fix me, take care of the problem, and hopefully make it possible to make you! It worked.

More than anything, God is so good. This has been a month of understanding. I cry thinking about God's goodness- not only in giving you to us, but in loving us enough to do what is best. I (finally) learned a huge lesson this month. We talk about "God's timing" all the time in our Christian culture, but it has a new meaning to me now. As a Type A planner-person, I can quickly leave God out of an equation when it "works" according to my timeline. If you had come right "along schedule", God wouldn't have received any glory. Now? He gets it all. Just as He should, little one.

I was born for this. In high school we had to do a project on the career we hoped to have one day. Sort of a "what do you want to be when you grow up" research project. My career? Homemaking. I believe we are all called to things in life, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God called me to be a mom. I think knowing that made the waiting process easier. I knew you were coming, I just didn't know when.

Is it going to be hard? You betcha.
Do I wish our families lived in town? More than ever.
Is there a whole lot of logistical stuff to figure out and work through? Of course.

But, this is my commitment: No complaining. No whining. No stressing about the little things and being distracted from the total joy it will be to carry you inside me for the next 36 weeks. I know that will be hard, and maybe I'll fudge a little bit to David, but this is too good to not revel in.

I am beyond grateful for all my friends who have gone before me and let me walk beside them through this process. I have learned so much from their experiences, and I know that will make my turn even more enjoyable.

This was my devotional reading this morning from Jesus Calling, and it is literally Jesus saying these things to me:

Seek My face, and you will find fulfillment of your deepest longings. My world is filled with beautiful things: they are meant to be pointers to Me, reminders of my abiding Presence. The earth still declares My Glory to those who have eyes that see and ears that hear.

You had a darkened mind before you sought Me wholeheartedly. I chose to pour My Light into you, so that you can be a beacon to others. There is no room for pride in this position. Your part is to reflect My Glory! I am the Lord!

This completely reinforces exactly what I felt God was trying to teach me- my job is His glory. Period.

Well, this has gotten longer than I intended it to. It won't be the last time. You'll learn, baby, that I'm garrulous (and I like vocab words). So is your Grandy.

We love you more than words.

Always and forever,
Mommy