Crawford, true life.

Where do I begin? I just put the little boy down for bed (to him saying "vacuum! vacuum?" because David is cutting the grass), and my heart is full. And exhausted.

I'm afraid I've been too positive in my monthly updates of this little guy, and I haven't adequately expressed the difficulty that is Crawford these days. I want to remember the fun and the joy, but I want to be realistic and not just paint some picnics and butterflies picture of our jolly little life. Especially because I have a feeling that I'll look back on these posts when Lawson is X months and see how the two compare, I want to record it all - the good, bad and the frustrating.

And, to be honest, there's a lot of "frustrating" going on these days.

I think we do pretty well at home when it is just the two of us, but when we are around other people (which is every day!) I feel like I am constantly making excuses for his crankiness. He's teething. He woke up early. He woke up late. He is hungry. yadda, yadda, yadda... I think I so desperately want people to think he is a good, fun kid (he is! I promise!) and to approve my parenting "skills". Or, at least not judge my lack thereof.

I tell people regularly that God is so good to simultaneously make kids more fun as they become more challenging. I am constantly thankful that Crawford can give kisses and make silly faces and talk so much and dunk a basketball and color pictures (well, you know...) because without those simple joys, the tantrums and whining and defiance would maybe be too much to handle some days.

What I remember being the most difficult about the first few months of Crawford's life was the mental stress of knowing/not knowing how to care for a child. How to feed him enough and sleep train and buy the right car seat and the list goes on and on. I'm realizing now (finally! 17 months into this whole ordeal!) that that mental engagement NEVER ends, and I need to figure out how to handle it in a healthy way. I need to seek advice from godly friends and older women (choose selectively people I won't feel judged by!); genuinely trust the Lord, even with the simplest of decisions (has he slept too long? should I wake him up? will he sleep later?); discern the guiding of the Spirit throughout my mundane-ist of days, when a simple trip to the park will revolutionize our attitudes.

I prayed with him as I put him down, and I thanked the Lord for the good times and the hard times because they edify us and make us rely on Him more. I pray that Crawford feels that way about life some day. And in the mean time, I need a lot of edification. And chocolate.