What is wrong with me? I keep calling David in tears because I'm having a bad day... but, poor guy, I can't for the life of me explain why or what's wrong.
I've had to turn two pool play dates down today. That doesn't sound like much of a problem, right? I really have too many opportunities of stuff to do, and I have SUCH a guilt complex over turning anyone or anything down. But, now I have a kid and I'm trying to balance doing what's best for him and keeping my sanity. Also, I don't want to be one of those parents who schedules their life around their child's every breath, but I also want to make sure I'm taking the best care of Crawford that I possibly can. That's my JOB.
Speaking of my job... I'm responsible for feeding this little boy. Just me. And, he's too small. 10th percentile for weight. I'm afraid my milk supply is decreasing, but I'm not sure how to know that for sure. He's been crying a lot during nursing, and sometimes I feel like it's because there's just not enough coming out. But then he sleeps 8-10 hours at night. Hungry kids don't do that!
I met some friends at the park, only to leave 20 minutes later. I get frustrated with myself because I want to hang out with my friends and their kids, but I over-estimate Crawford's ability to "play". He's FOUR months old, self! For example: playing in the fountains at Coolidge = so fun! Unless you are four months old and can't even sit up by yourself. My sweet child is so go-with-the-flow, but I feel like I take advantage of him/that and do whatever I want to do.
Oh, and can someone please make a day-long schedule of what I should be doing with my child when? I'd follow it, promise. I am just overwhelmed with not knowing when he should take a nap, etc.. Seriously. How do I establish a morning wake time? What should his bed time be? I would go to the pediatrician once a week just to talk through parenting stuff and get her expert opinion. Just now (after trying to get him to go down for a nap for a loooong time), I finally just let him fall asleep in my arms,
and I love it.
I love him so much, I don't want to let him out of my sight ever (cue video monitor). Especially today I'm particularly clingy... pms, maybe??
We moved Crawford to his crib in his room for bed time on Monday night. It was brutal (for me). It actually was pretty brutal for David too because we slept in the guest room and that bed is way small for two people (sorry to all of our guests!).
Crawford LOVES his paci. Sometimes during the night he stirs, and I usually just pop the pacifier back in and he goes right back to sleep. Well, that was easy when he slept right next to our bed. Now that he's UPSTAIRS, do I go up there and give it to him because I know it will put him back to sleep? Or, do I wait it out? Let him cry it out? Why do that when I know the paci would solve the problem??
And, my dog keeps crapping in the house. I could kill him. David walks him in the morning. I take him outside. He poops in the house. Anxiety, maybe??
I just looked at the calendar and it looks like we have only THREE weekends between now and the middle of October (the 20th) that are completely free. What?! It's JUNE.
Oh, and all I want to do is eat junk food. I've been trying to be better about my eating habits, and I've been doing really well lately (I made and ate squash with dinner on Monday!), but it's taking every ounce of my will power to not go make some funfetti cookies ("for small group") and eat about half of them
So, I'm feeling frazzled. Which, I know... doesn't help my milk supply.
The end.
5 comments:
i feel totally bonded with you after reading this post, lol. (the lol was because i used the word "bonded", NOT because the post made me laugh. quite the contrary because i totally understand!)
like i just said, i TOTALLY understand what you're saying. 4 months is kind of a turning point for routines..at least that's what my Sister in law told me and then actually happened. be encouraged! i was going through the same thing and then got a pen and paper and for FIVE days wrote down every time she (1)ate, (2)acted sleepy, (3) fell asleep, (4) played hardcore.... and after those few days i completely saw that she HAD actually developed a routine, though i hadn't noticed it beforehand because i was so tired and overwhelmed thinking that I would never be able to do anything without feeling bad that i wasn't doing "exactly what her little body needed every single second". after that, the moment she started acting sleepy i immediate changed her diaper and put her down for a nap. from there she created her own routine for me to follow. STILL today she doesn't have set times for most things, but i can at least estimate within an hour range when I'll be able to do something, which is nice.
everything you said, even though i know it's hard for you, encouraged me that I'm not alone. so now you should know that you aren't, either. :)
oh yes, and now that L's 9 months old and words like "weaning" and "walking" and "wiggle worm" and "no more snuggles" are coming into our language, I'm finding i don't' regret one single time i held that baby, nursed her to sleep when she really wouldn't sleep for anything else, or let her just hold onto me because she wanted to. and i'm still not regretting it now.
have you tried power pumping just to see what it does? pick a time during the day or right after he goes down for the night and pump on/off every five minutes for an hour. i did that three nights in a row and my supply increased double. i have to do it often.. mastitis sucks.
the end. sorry i ranted :)
Okay. Don't be hard on yourself. Take a big breath and tell yourself it's gonna be okay. :)
Now, I'm no expert but I'll share my thoughts and you can do with that what you want.
First about the play dates:
Ever notice how I don't go? And how many book club nights have I been to recently? Um, ONE since Em was born. I've heard people say that you can't let the baby rule your life, etc, etc. I agree to a point. But I am constantly trying to remind myself that I can only do what I can do. And I really treasure my evenings with Emory. I know she won't allow me to snuggle and coddle her for long, so I choose to soak it up while I have the chance. You know Emory's story, and I may or may not have this opportunity again. So call me selfish, call me boring and tell me I have no life outside of my girl, whatever people want to say- I don't even care! :) My advice is to listen to your heart and don't worry about the rest. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty for not going to things. The people that really care will understand and not be judgmental.
The schedule: Oh my goodness I struggled with this!! I felt so lost because Emory had no daily schedule and I didn't know how to get her on one. She would eat, play (which consisted of a bouncer or floor gym), cuddle, eat again if fussy, sleep. Rinse and repeat, girlfriend! I think we feel pressured to set times to these things because we feel like we "should." I never really did. I just went by her cues and if she was tired, I put her down. If she was hungry, I let her eat. Screw the clock! It has only recently evolved into a time-able schedule. And I didn't do a darn thing. I just followed her cues and started making notes about when she did what. Then after about a week, I noticed a pattern and now I just try to stick to that.
For milk supply: have you tried Fenugreek? It's an herb and you can find it at Vitamin Shoppe, Earth Fare, and probably Greenlife. I take 4 of them, 3 times a day (12 total). My OB said they're totally safe, and let me tell you- it is the only thing that has kept my milk supply up. I am slowly drying up (Em is almost 10 months though so that's expected), but it REALLY boosted me in the beginning. You'll know it's working because after about 3-4 doses you will start to smell like maple syrup. Like noticeably. But that will go away after a little while. :)
For what it's worth, I think you're doing a great job. It's so hard when there's so much noise from people and from society about the "right way" to mother. Just remind yourself that everybody's got an opinion. You do what's best for YOU and your family. Listen to your heart, even if other people might not agree.
(((hugs!)))
I was going to just email this to you, but I thought I'd put it as a comment on your blog as well, so other mommas who may feel the same can read it.
Do you remember when we talked right after Crawford and Calvin were born and I told you that the first is by far the hardest? You articulated in this post why I believe that's true. It is SO hard to feel the tension between doing what's best for your child and doing what you want. Sometimes those two things are in opposition, but sometimes they're not. In fact, often times, it's far more important for Crawford to have a momma who is energized by the conversation she has with her friends than to have a nap. Sometimes, it's better for you to stay at home and let him sleep so you don't have to deal with the consequences of a missed nap. In the end, it's impossible to ALWAYS make the perfect decision. You're going to choose the wrong one some days, but that's okay. His mercies are new every single morning. It's okay to feel that tension, and to mourn the freedom you once had to go, go, go. It's okay to ache because you love your baby so much and can't imagine doing anything else but being with him (and to be weepy about it :). It's okay to wrestle with schedules and wake times and getting him to nap. It's okay to feel these things deeply and to be sad...and to realize that even in that truly unexplainable frustration, joy, confusion that God is enough. You will probably always wrestle with similar issues as long as you have children, but it gets more routine. It can still break me down on really hard days, but after a while it becomes a new normal. An even joyful normal - a sacrificial normal that the Lord will use to sanctify you. There is no simple solution and through the wrestling with figuring it out, we are changed into less selfish, more peaceful moms. It. Is. Freaking. Hard.
I'm praying for you, Em. I'm praying that the Spirit will guide you each minute of the day to make the decisions that work for your family. You are doing an amazing job, and Crawford is OBVIOUSLY a happy, thriving little boy. You are the perfect mother for him.
Practically, when it comes to nursing, here's a bit of advice that might help. If he will, just let him nurse as long as he wants for a couple of days. Instead of giving him a paci, let him nurse for an hour or so (and break out the lansinoh because you'll be sore again!) but that will help a lot. You can pump like someone else suggested, but letting him suck as long as he will really helps. He probably won't form a new "habit" of nursing to sleep, etc, but when he has more nursing time your body will figure out he needs more milk. Also, I believe that eating oatmeal and drinking lots and lots of lemon lime gatorade helps. Drink lots of water and eat, eat, eat. Again, you're doing a great, wonderful job and the fact he's sleeping 8-10 hours a night is incredible!!!
I love you, friend.
Oh no...there's nothing wrong with you at all! You are a NORMAL mother! You have your priorities straight. I get so frustrated when I hear people say that they're not going to let a baby change what they do or how they live their life. If that's the case, then honestly, they're probably not very hands on parents or they have LOTS of family around just begging to take care of their baby for them. There's nothing wrong with that, I would love to have a date night more than a few times a year, but for us, it just doesn't happen. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with your baby all the time. It's normal. I feel very blessed that I am able to stay home with my kids, because of that, yes, I do want an evening out with my friends every once in a while. BUT if I had to work and was away from my kids during the day, I would probably want to stay home and snuggle and cuddle as much as possible.
You just have to figure out what's right for YOU. Not what's right for someone else and that is SO hard! We never tried to get our kids on a schedule early on because of feeding issues (on demand was necessary due to weight loss and supply problems), but they both eventually settled into their own little schedules when they were ready. I know people who start trying to get their babies on a schedule almost immediately. If that works for them, great! It's all about what works for you and your family. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing anything you're not comfortable with.
I hope this doesn't come off as preachy or advice-laden but it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with him and I hate for anyone to convince you otherwise just because they have a different approach to parenting.
Awe Emily....you seem to be having a little post-pardom!! It's perfectly normal because you are a first time "mommie" wanting only the best for your baby :)Your body will adjust as time wears on and I will be praying for you and Crawford...I know it is hard but try and relax in these precious moments because they do not last very long...hang in there because you are doing a wonderful job!! GOd always knows when he puts a child in our arms that He has given them to the "perfect mommie" to raise :)
Lord bless,
Michelle C.
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